Caliborn's Stories 1: Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
by ASBusinessMagnet
Summary: Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, including the sequel novel, as summarized by the Homestuck character Caliborn. Rated T for language and violence.
1. THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY

_Author's idiotisms: The story behind this one: While writing Calliope and the Final Update, I had to write the story within a story within a story named Homosuck. I liked the general approach of Homosuck and how it ruined Homestuck, the story it was supposed to parody, so I wanted to see if I can apply the approach to other stories. Why, indeed, I can. That's the end of the story, and as Wonka would say, "Enjoy."_

* * *

ALRIGHT. SINCE HOMOSUCK HAS BEEN. WHAT HUMANS CALL. A "VIRAL SUCCESS". I AM PROUD TO PRESENT. ANOTHER STORY BY CALIBORN PRODUCTIONS. WHICH IS A COMPANY NAME. THAT I MADE UP. BECAUSE I CAN DO THAT.

WITHOUT FURTHER ADO. CALIBORN PRODUCTIONS PRESENTS.

CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY.

ONCE UPON. THE PROVERBIAL TIME. THERE WAS A MALE HUMAN CHILD. NAMED CHARLIE BUCKET.

HE WAS DUMB. ALMOST LIKE. A CERTAIN OTHER SOMEONE. WHOSE NAME BEGINS WITH A "C". THAT I COULD MENTION. LIKE HER. HE NEVER GOT OUT. OF HIS FANTASY WORLD.

HIS FAMILY. WAS A BIT OF A PROBLEM. HIS GRANDFATHER. WHICH IS APPARENTLY A HUMAN TERM. FOR A FATHER OF A FATHER. OR A FATHER OF A MOTHER. WAS ONCE A WORKER. OF A CHOCOLATE FACTORY. OWNED BY ONE WILLY WONKA.

WILLY WONKA. LED A TROUBLED CHILDHOOD. HAVING A FATHER. WHO WOULD NEVER LET HIM EAT CANDY. SO NATURALLY. WHEN WONKA GREW UP. HE MADE A CHOCOLATE FACTORY.

HE HAD PROBLEMS, THOUGH. SOME OF HIS WORKERS. WERE ACTUALLY SPIES. WHO WOULD STEAL WONKA'S SECRETS. AND USE THEM. TO MAKE WONKA'S CANDY. AS A FAIR COMPETITION.

BECAUSE HE WAS LOSING PROFIT. WONKA FIRED EVERYONE. AND CLOSED HIS CHOCOLATE FACTORY. NEVER TO BE SEEN AGAIN.

EXCEPT NOT REALLY. WHILE TRAVELLING A DISTANT LAND. HE FOUND A TRIBE. CALLED THE OOMPA-LOOMPAS. WHO REALLY LIKED COCOA BEANS. AND SINCE COCOA BEANS. ARE USED TO MAKE HUMAN CHOCOLATE. WONKA DECIDED. TO EMPLOY THE OOMPA LOOMPAS. AND PAY THEM IN COCOA BEANS. IT WAS A WIN-WIN.

SO. WONKA HID. AND ONLY EVER SHOWED HIS CANDY. UNTIL ONE DAY. HE DECIDED HE HAD ENOUGH OF IT. AND RAN A CONTEST. HE HID. (HE REALLY LIKES HIDING.) FIVE "GOLDEN TICKETS." INSIDE FIVE CANDY BARS. AND WATCHED THE SCENE. AS THE TICKETS WERE FOUND. ONE BY ONE.

CHARLIE. STUCK IN HIS DUMB FANTASIES. THOUGHT HE COULD WIN THE GOLDEN TICKET. UNFORTUNATELY. HIS FAMILY IS POOR. HIS FATHER USED TO WORK. IN A TOOTHPASTE FACTORY. AS A MONOTONOUS WORKER. PUTTING ON CAPS. BUT DUE TO THE CONTEST. HE LOST EVEN THAT.

YOU SEE. SINCE WONKA ANNOUNCED HIS CONTEST. MORE PEOPLE BOUGHT MORE CHOCOLATE. LEADING TO MORE TOOTH PROBLEMS. LEADING TO MORE TOOTHPASTE SALES. SO THE TOOTHPASTE FACTORY. INSTEAD EMPLOYED A ROBOT. BECAUSE THEY'RE IDIOTS. AND COULDN'T EMPLOY A ROBOT. WHEN THEY BEGAN THEIR BUSINESS.

SO. MR. BUCKET WAS FIRED. AND THE FAMILY HAD TO CUT DOWN. AND NOT BUY ANY CHOCOLATE. DESPITE CHARLIE'S DESIRES.

BACK TO THE TICKETS.

AS I MENTIONED. THE TICKETS WERE FOUND. ONE BY ONE. THE FIRST ONE. WAS FOUND BY A HUMAN MALE. FROM A COUNTRY NAMED GERMANY. WHO SOMEHOW WAS EVEN DUMBER THAN CHARLIE. NAMED AUGUSTUS GLOOP.

THE THING WITH AUGUSTUS. WAS THAT HE BOUGHT TOO MUCH CHOCOLATE TO BEGIN WITH. AND WAS AS FAT. AS THE JANE HUMAN. FROM THE SBURB SESSION. THAT I HAD THE MISFORTUNE TO OBSERVE. AS HIS MOTHER JOKED. "HE EATS SO MANY CANDY BARS A YEAR. IT WAS NOT POSSIBLE FOR HIM. TO NOT FIND THE TICKET."

ALLOW ME TO GO ON A TANGENT HERE. WE CHERUBIM LOVE OUR CANDY. SPECIAL STARDUST IS OUR ONLY FOOD. BUT WE'RE FUCKING RATIONAL. AND EAT ONLY HOW MUCH WE NEED. IF ONE SELF IS AN OVEREATER. THE SECOND IS BOUND TO BE AN ASCETIC. CANCELLING OUT. AND MAKING OUR BODIES. WELL-STRUCTURED.

I AM AN EXCEPTION THOUGH. I TOOK OVER COMPLETELY. WITHOUT ANY OF MY DUMB SISTER BLENDING IN. BUT THAT IS IRRELEVANT. SINCE WE BOTH ATE PROPERLY. AND DIDN'T GET FAT.

ALRIGHT. BACK TO THE STORY.

THE SECOND TICKET. WAS FOUND IN BRITAIN. BY AN UGLY BITCH. NAMED VERUCA SALT.

THE THING WITH VERUCA. WAS THAT HER FATHER. WAS A RICH BUSINESSMAN. AND MUCH LIKE THE TOOTHPASTE FACTORY. HE HAD NO SENSE OF LOGIC. SO HE EMPLOYED BITCHES. THAT WERE WORTHLESS TO THE SOCIETY ANYWAY. TO SORT NUTS.

UNTIL ONE DAY. VERUCA DECIDED. SHE WANTED THE TICKET. SO WHAT HER FATHER COULD DO. HE BOUGHT CHOCOLATE BARS. AND MADE THE BITCHES SORT IT. DAY AFTER DAY. WITHOUT SUCCESS. MAKING VERUCA ANGRY. UNTIL THEY FINALLY FOUND IT.

VERUCA THUS WAS SATISFIED. BUT ONLY FOR A BRIEF MOMENT. BECAUSE SHE STILL WANTED MORE. I'M TELLING YOU. BITCHES. DON'T DEAL WITH THEM. FROM CALLIOPE TO VERUCA. THEY'RE ALL STUPID.

AT THIS POINT. THE BUCKET FAMILY. FINALLY HAD SAVED UP ENOUGH. TO TAKE A STAB. AT FINDING THE TICKET THEMSELVES. SO THEY BOUGHT A FUCKING WONKA BAR. AND SURPRISE. THE TICKET WASN'T THERE.

BACK TO THE TICKETS.

THE THIRD TICKET. WAS FOUND IN AMERICA. BY AN EVEN UGLIER BITCH. NAMED VIOLET BEAUREGARDE.

THE THING WITH VIOLET. WAS THAT SHE LIKED. THIS OTHER CONFECTIONERY. CALLED CHEWING GUM. THAT WONKA SHOULD LIKE. SINCE HE IS THE KING OF CANDY. BUT HE DOESN'T. SO FUCKING DEAL WITH IT.

ANYWAY. VIOLET WOULD CHEW HER GUM. BUT SHE DIDN'T DO IT THE WAY OTHER HUMANS DID. NO. OTHER HUMANS CHEWED GUM FOR A BIT. NOTICED THE TASTE WAS GONE. AND SPIT IT OUT.

WHILE VIOLET. CHEWED THE SAME PIECE OF GUM. OVER AND OVER. FOR THREE MONTHS. WHICH IS APPARENTLY. A RECORD. (SHE LIKES BEING A CHAMPION.)

THE FOURTH TICKET. WAS FOUND IN AMERICA. BY A MALE. NAMED MIKE TEAVEE.

I THINK I ACTUALLY LIKE MIKE. HE IS SELF-ABSORBED. SITTING BY HIS ELECTRONIC DEVICES. JUST LIKE THE CHERUBIM. EXCEPT WE DON'T STARE AT TELEVISIONS. WE STARE AT SHATTERED PLANETS. OR IN MY CASE. SHATTERED STORIES.

SPEAKING OF MIKE. HIS STORY WAS. THAT HE HACKED THE SYSTEM. TO DISCOVER WHERE PRECISELY THE TICKET WAS. AND HE HAD TO BUY ONLY ONE BAR. HE DIDN'T EAT IT THOUGH. BECAUSE HE HATES CHOCOLATE.

ALRIGHT. MIKE IS ALSO HORRIBLE. IF HE HATES CHOCOLATE. WHY DID HE DECIDE. WINNING A PRIZE BASED ON CHOCOLATE. WAS A GOOD IDEA.

BACK TO THE BUCKETS. (NO, NOT TROLL BUCKETS. THAT IS HORRIFYING.)

GRANDPA JOE. DECIDED TO TRY AGAIN. SO HE PULLED. THE LAST COIN HE HAD EARNED. OUT OF HIS ASS. GAVE IT TO CHARLIE. AND TOLD HIM TO BUY ANOTHER WONKA BAR.

SURPRISE, BITCH. THE TICKET WAS. ONCE AGAIN NOT THERE.

SUPPOSEDLY. THE FIFTH TICKET WAS FOUND IN RUSSIA. AND HERE THE STORY WOULD END. ALL TICKETS WERE FOUND. THE BUCKETS REMAINED POOR. AND CALLIE'S FANTASIES. WERE LOCKED UP. FOREVER.

(I MEANT CHARLIE'S. I MISSPOKE.)

BUT NO. LUCK HAD CONSPIRED. AND MADE TWO THINGS.

ONE. THE RUSSIAN TICKET WAS A FAKE. DUDE. WHY WOULD YOU EVEN FAKE A TICKET. FOR ATTENTION? YOU ARE STUPID. UNNAMED RUSSIAN GUY.

INTERLUDE HERE. NOTICE HOW I INTRODUCED. TOO MANY CHARACTERS. WITHOUT CLARIFYING WHAT THEY MEAN. AND SAYING THEY ALL ARE DUMB. APPARENTLY. ANDREW HUSSIE. (THAT'S THE GUY WHO I KILLED. AND WROTE HOMOSUCK BASED ON HIS WORK.) LIKES THAT. SO LET'S PAUSE AND GIVE THE CHARACTERS MORE ATTENTION.

I PRESENT. WHICH CHARACTERS I LIKE THE MOST AND THE LEAST. IN THE STORY SO FAR.

AT THE TOP IS MIKE. HE IS SOMEWHAT LIKE. THE JAKE HUMAN. FROM MY OBSERVED SESSION. BOTH ARE DUMB AND ABSORBED. BUT MIKE HACKED THE TICKET. SO HE GETS AHEAD OF JAKE.

I'LL ADMIT. MIKE IS ALSO LIKE. THE DIRK AND ROXY HUMANS. DIRK BECAUSE HE IS PRACTICING MARTIAL MOVES. IF ONLY VIRTUALLY. AND ROXY BECAUSE HE'S A HACKER.

NEXT UP. IS VIOLET. COME ON. SHE IS JUST PROPOSING. A NEW BUSINESS SOLUTION FOR WONKA. WHY DOES HE REJECT IT.

NEXT UP. ARE THE OOMPA-LOOMPAS. THEY DIDN'T DO JACK SHIT. SO THEY'RE IN THE PERFECT MIDDLE. A "MEH" RATING. SO TO SAY.

NEXT UP. IS VERUCA. SHE HAS. WHAT AN ADULT NEEDS. THE ABILITY TO COMMAND. AND MAKE HER BE LISTENED TO. THE PROBLEM IS. THAT SHE IS A CHILD. AND NEEDS TO SHUT UP.

NEXT UP. IS AUGUSTUS. I ALREADY CLARIFIED. THAT HE WOULD BE. A DISGRACE TO THE CHERUBIM. THAT IS TO SAY. IF HE WAS A CHERUB. WHICH HE IS NOT. LUCKILY. HE HAS THE JANE HUMAN. WITH WHOM HE CAN COMPARE. ON A HUMAN TO HUMAN SCALE.

NEXT UP. I HATE CHARLIE AND WONKA EQUALLY. THEY BOTH ARE STUCK. IN THEIR FANTASY WORLDS. SURE. WONKA'S FANTASY WORLD. IS MORE REAL. BUT AS FAR AS DESPICABILITY GOES. THEY'RE BOTH EQUALLY SHIT.

AND FINALLY. CALLIOPE. I AM SINCERELY GLAD. I GOT RID OF THAT BITCH OF A SISTER. BECAUSE IF SHE WAS HERE. SHE WOULD IDENTIFY WITH CHARLIE. AND BEGIN RUINING EVERYTHING.

BACK TO THE STORY.

THE SECOND THING. THAT WAS A LUCKY BREAK. (OR A "8R8K".) FOR CHARLIE. WAS THAT. WHILE WALKING OUTSIDE. CHARLIE FOUND A BANKNOTE. AND DECIDED. TO BUY A WONKA BAR. BECAUSE HE IS A WORTHLESS SHIT. WHO CAN ONLY THINK OF CHOCOLATE.

AND GUESS WHAT. THE GODDAMN TICKET WAS THERE.

SO CHARLIE RAN. AS EXCITED AS AN IDIOT SHIT CAN BE. AND TOOK IT UP. WITH HIS HUMAN PARENTS. TO READ THE TERMS AND AGREEMENTS.

NORMALLY. HUMAN TERMS AND AGREEMENTS. ARE THE WORST SHIT EVER. BECAUSE THEY'RE SO LONG. ALMOST LIKE HUSSIE'S VERSION OF HOMOSUCK. SO MANY WORDS. SO LITTLE MEANING.

BUT THE GOLDEN TICKETS. WERE A MARKETING PLOY. AND SO. THEY GOT HANG OF THE CONCEPT BETTER.

ANYWAY. THE TERMS WERE AS FOLLOWS.

THE GOLDEN TICKETS. ARE ACTUALLY PASSES. TO WONKA'S FACTORY. ON A VERY SPECIFIC DATE. OF FEBRUARY 1ST. WONKA WAS GOING. TO GUIDE EVERYONE PERSONALLY THROUGH THE FACTORY.

AND ONCE EVERYTHING WAS DONE. THE KIDS WOULD LEAVE. WITH TRUCKS OF CHOCOLATE FOR FREE. PRESUMABLY SO THAT. INSTEAD OF ONE AUGUSTUS. THERE WOULD BE FIVE.

IN ADDITION. ONE OF THE FIVE. WAS TO WIN A SURPRISE. I'LL RETURN TO THIS POINT LATER.

AND FINALLY. WHILE GOING TO THE TOUR. THEY COULD PICK ONE MEMBER OF THEIR FAMILY. TO GO WITH THEM. SO THE BUCKETS DECIDED. THAT GRANDPA JOE SHOULD GO WITH CHARLIE. BECAUSE HE WOULD KNOW SHIT. DESPITE NOT HAVING BEEN IN WONKA'S FACTORY FOR YEARS. AND NOT HAVING SEEN A FUCKING OOMPA-LOOMPA.

AT ANY RATE. FEBRUARY 1ST CAME. AND SO. FIVE CHILDREN AND FIVE GROWN-UPS GATHERED. AND WENT TO WONKA'S FACTORY. NO ONE HAD MISSED IT. THERE WAS AUGUSTUS. AND HIS MOTHER. THERE WAS VERUCA. AND HER FATHER. THERE WAS VIOLET. AND HER MOTHER. THERE WAS MIKE. AND HIS FATHER. AND THERE WAS CHARLIE. AND GRANDPA JOE.

SO THE FUCKING TROUPE. FINALLY BEGAN THE TOUR.

THE TOUR STARTED. WITH THE CHOCOLATE ROOM. NAMED FOR ITS CHOCOLATE RIVER AND A WATERFALL. WHICH NO OTHER FACTORY HAS. MAKING WONKA. "SUPER AWESOME." EXCEPT. HE NEVER SHOWED THE WATERFALL TO ANYONE. SO WHAT'S THE FUCKING POINT.

IN ADDITION. WONKA HAD MADE A CANDYLAND. WITH CANDY VEGETABLES. WHICH WERE SUPPOSED TO RULE. BECAUSE THEY'RE CANDY. BUT WHICH ACTUALLY SUCKED. BECAUSE THEY WERE VEGETABLES. ONCE A VEGETABLE. ALWAYS A VEGETABLE.

SO THEN. FUCKING OOMPA-LOOMPAS APPEARED. AND WONKA WAS LIKE. "BLAH BLAH BLAH LOOMPALAND BLAH BLAH BLAH COCOA BEANS BLAH BLAH BLAH." I TOLD YOU BACK IN HOMOSUCK. THAT I AM FOREVER DONE WITH WORDS.

AND THEN. AUGUSTUS FELL INTO THE CHOCOLATE RIVER. AND WAS SUCKED. INTO THE CHOCOLATE PRODUCTION'S CENTER. BUT NOT BEFORE. THE OOMPA-LOOMPAS SANG A SONG.

SO. AUGUSTUS WAS TAKEN OUT. SO THE TALLY IS.

_1/5 DUMB CHILDREN. OUT._

NEXT. WONKA AND THE TROUPE. RODE THE CHOCOLATE RIVER. DOWN A BOAT. TO THE INVENTING ROOM. WHERE WONKA WAS. GUESS WHAT. FUCKING INVENTING.

WONKA HAD MANY INVENTIONS. BUT ONE MAIN. THAT I WANT TO TALK ABOUT. IS THE THREE COURSE MEAL CHEWING GUM.

VIOLET. BEING SHE'S AN AFICIONADO OF CHEWING GUM. FUCKING STOLE THE PIECE. AND CHEWED IT. BUT THE CATCH IS. THE PIECE WAS FLAWED. ONCE IT GOT TO THE DESERT. BLUEBERRY PIE. VIOLET LITERALLY FILLED UP WITH BLUEBERRY JUICE. AND SO WE HAD. A GIANT BLUEBERRY. AND ANOTHER SONG TO COMMEMORATE HER.

_2/5 DUMB CHILDREN. OUT._

NEXT UP. WAS THE NUT SORTING ROOM. WHERE SQUIRRELS WERE SORTING NUTS. EXACTLY. YES. WAITING FOR YOU TO GET IT.

THE RIGHT ANSWER IS. IT'S ABOUT VERUCA'S FATHER. BECAUSE HE EMPLOYED BITCHES. AND WONKA EMPLOYED SQUIRRELS. SO WONKA ACTUALLY WINS. IN THE SANITY CONTEST. (DON'T GET EXCITED. HE LOSES OVERALL.)

ANYWAY. SO VERUCA. WANTED A SQUIRREL. BUT NO ONE WOULD ALLOW HER. SO SHE OPTED TO TAKE ONE HERSELF. WHEN ALL THE SQUIRRELS. DRAGGED VERUCA DOWN. TO THE GARBAGE CHUTE. AND THE INCINERATOR. (BUT IT WASN'T LIT. SO REALLY WHATEVER.) AND ONCE AGAIN. THERE WAS A SONG.

_3/5 DUMB CHILDREN. OUT._

NEXT UP. WAS THIS ELEVATOR. WHICH HAD WAY TOO MANY BUTTONS. TURNS OUT. IT GOES TO EVERY SINGLE OF WONKA'S ROOMS. SO WONKA DECIDED. YOU KNOW WHAT. YOU TAKE THE TOUR FROM THERE. AND MIKE DID. TO THE TELEVISION ROOM.

THE INVENTION HERE. WAS THAT WONKA COULD BRING A CHOCOLATE BAR. AND SEND IT BY TELEVISION. TO YOUR SCREEN. KIND OF LIKE. THE APPEARIFIER AND SENDIFICATOR.

EXCEPT. LIKE WITH VIOLET. THERE WAS A CATCH.

THE TELEVISION SHRUNK THINGS DOWN. SO THE CHOCOLATE BAR. HAD TO BE REALLY BIG. WHAT A ROYAL WASTE OF CHOCOLATE.

SO MIKE. SENT HIMSELF VIA TELEVISION. AND BECAME REALLY SMALL. AND WAS INELIGIBLE. TO GO ON WITH THE TOUR. AND OF COURSE. HE HAD A FREAKING SONG.

_4/5 DUMB CHILDREN. OUT._

AT THIS POINT. YOU THINK YOU KNOW. WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN. THERE WILL BE SOMETHING TO TAKE CHARLIE OUT. AND WONKA WILL BE DONE WITH.

BUT NO. TURNS OUT. LET'S TURN BACK TO THE TERMS AND CONDITIONS. OF THE GOLDEN TICKET.

REMEMBER THAT ONE KID AND THE SPECIAL PRIZE? THAT'S WHERE. IT BECOMES RELEVANT.

SO ACCORDING TO WONKA. THE "ONE KID". WAS CHARLIE. AND THE "SPECIAL PRIZE". WAS WONKA'S FACTORY. BECAUSE WONKA. DIDN'T HAVE A HUMAN MATE. WITH WHICH TO PRODUCE A HUMAN HEIR. BEFORE IT WAS TOO LATE. BECAUSE WONKA THOUGHT. IT WAS A GOOD IDEA. TO LOCK HIMSELF. INSIDE THE FACTORY.

SO. WONKA OFFERED THE FUCKING FACTORY. AND GUESS WHAT. CHARLIE DIDN'T TAKE IT. BECAUSE APPARENTLY. THE TERMS AND CONDITIONS OF THE FACTORY. STATE THAT YOU SIMPLY HAVE TO KEEP YOURSELF LOCKED IN. AND CHARLIE. WOULD NEVER SEE HIS FAMILY AGAIN.

WHICH LEADS ME TO ANOTHER INTERMISSION: FAMILIES ARE WORTHLESS.

COME ON. I KILLED MY SISTER. THAT ONE'S OBVIOUS. FAMILIES ARE SHIT. HUMANS SHOULD BE LIKE CHERUBS. ONLY EVER MEETING TO MATE.

ANYWAY. SO CHARLIE FUCKING REJECTED. AND WONKA THOUGHT. WHAT WAS WRONG. TURNS OUT. HE WAS SAD. BECAUSE HIS FATHER...

NO NO NO. WE'RE NOT HAVING THIS ENDING. REMEMBER THAT I SAID. FAMILIES ARE WORTHLESS.

INSTEAD. I'LL WRITE MY OWN ENDING. I AM SUCH A MASTER. OF THE WRITTEN WORD. YOU'LL NOT EVEN NOTICE!

ANYWAY. SO WONKA DECIDED. HE HAD ENOUGH. OF THE SWEET SWEET CANDY LIFE. AND INSTEAD BECAME. A SERIAL KILLER.

FIRST. HE PRACTICED HIS KILLING SKILLS A BIT. WITH THE OOMPA-LOOMPAS. THEN. HE STOPPED THOSE TRUCKS. THAT WOULD MAKE FIVE AUGUSTUSES INSTEAD OF ONE. AND POISONED THEM. SO THE FOUR DISGRACES DIED.

AND FINALLY. WONKA TACKLED. THE BUCKET FAMILY.

NOW NOT ONLY WITHOUT MONEY. BUT WITHOUT A FAMILY. CHARLIE THOUGHT. HIS LIFE WAS WORTHLESS. HE GATHERED ALL THE ROPE. THAT HE COULD FIND. AND DECIDED TO HANG HIMSELF.

BUT LUCKILY. AT THE LAST MOMENT. WONKA CAME. AND GAVE CHARLIE HIS FACTORY AGAIN. AND CHARLIE THIS TIME ACCEPTED. SINCE HE WAS A FUCKING WORTHLESS APPENDAGE OF THE HUMAN SOCIETY. WHICH IN ITSELF IS A STUPID CONCEPT.

ANYWAY. SO WONKA AND CHARLIE. BECAME THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY CO-OWNERS. AND IN SHOCK OF WHAT HE DID. WONKA PROMISED. TO NEVER KILL A HUMAN AGAIN. BECAUSE HUMAN SOCIETY. APPARENTLY DOESN'T LIKE THAT. AND THUS. THEY LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER. SELLING CANDY.

THE END.

LEAVE ME SUGGESTIONS. ON WHAT STORY. I SHOULD BE TAKING ON NEXT. I MEAN. I AM AN EXPERT ON THIS. I WILL HANDLE THIS.

FAREWELL. BITCHES AND ASSHOLES.

tumut


	2. THE GREAT GLASS ELEVATOR

SHIT. THERE'S A DOOMED TIMELINE I FORGOT *AGAIN?* WELL. LET'S GET THE STUFF SORTED OUT.

CALIBORN PRODUCTIONS PRESENTS. REALLY WHATEVER.

CHARLIE AND THE GREAT GLASS ELEVATOR.

THIS DOOMED TIMELINE. TALKS ABOUT HOW. CHARLIE, WONKA AND HIS FAMILY. WHICH IS TOTALLY NOT DEAD. BECAUSE THE ENDING YOU JUST READ. WAS ACTUALLY MADE UP. WENT TO FUCKING SPACE. WHERE THERE WAS A SPACE HOTEL. AND DECIDED TO VISIT THE SPACE HOTEL. FOR NO PARTICULAR FUCKING REASON.

AND THE WORLD. WAS HIGHLY ALERT. OF THOSE DOUCHEBAGS. RUINING EVERYTHING IN THE SPACE HOTEL.

BUT THEN. SOME ALIENS ATTACKED THE SPACE HOTEL. THEY WERE CALLED. "VERMICIOUS KNIDS." AND TURNS OUT. THEY ARE FUCKING SHOWOFFS. BECAUSE THEY LIKE TO RESHAPE THEIR BODIES. TO SPELL THE WORD "SCRAM."

LOOK. I WAS ONCE A SHOWOFF. I HAD DRAWN THESE REALLY COOL DRAWINGS. BUT THEN I HAD THIS IMPENDING DOOM. OF READING EVERY SINGLE PIECE OF HUMAN FICTION EVER. SO THE POINT IS. IT'S NOT A GOOD IDEA. TO BE A SHOWOFF.

SO WONKA AND THE TROUPE. FUCKING TOOK THE ELEVATOR OUT OF THE SPACE HOTEL. MADE A CIRCLE AROUND THE EARTH. AND GOT BACK TO THE GODDAMN FACTORY. AND SINCE VERMICIOUS KNIDS WERE IDIOTS. THEY BURNED UP IN THE ATMOSPHERE. AND WONKA AND CO. WERE KNID-FREE.

SO AT THIS POINT. WONKA DECIDED. THAT YOU KNOW WHAT. THE ENTIRE FUCKING FAMILY SHOULD RUN THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY. BUT TURNS OUT. CHARLIE'S OTHER THREE GRANDPARENTS. WERE FUCKING USELESS. AND COULDN'T GET OUT OF THEIR BEDS.

SO WONKA SHOWED. HIS SUPER NEW INVENTION. CALLED WONKA-VITE. WITH WONKA-VITE. ONE COULD HAVE THEIR LIFESPAN REDUCED. SO THEY COULD SPEND MORE WORTHLESS YEARS. AND THE GRANDPARENTS WERE TO EAT THE STUFF.

BUT THEN. THEY FUCKING FUCKED UP. AND ONE OF THE GRANDPARENTS. GRANDPA GEORGINA. WAS RIPPED OF ALL HER LIFESPAN. AND HER AGE. BECAME FUCKING NEGATIVE. SO NOW. SHE WAS A "MINUS". AND HAD TO BE RETRIEVED. IN MINUS LAND.

LUCKILY. WONKA HAD SOMETHING. TO FIX THE WONKA-VITE DISASTER. CALLED VITA-WONK. "NURSE ROLAL. TO THE TUMMY RESCUE."

WAIT. WHAT?

OH. THAT'S RIGHT. VITA-WONK. WAS TO INCREASE HUMAN LIFESPANS. SO WONKA AND THE TROUPE. WENT TO THE FUCKING MINUS LAND. FOUND GRANDPA GEORGINA. SPRAYED HER WITH THE SPRAY. AND WENT BACK TO THE PLUS LAND. ONLY TO DISCOVER. THAT GRANDPA GEORGINA. WAS NOW THREE CENTURIES OLD.

SO THEY PULLED BACK TO WONKA-VITE AGAIN. DETERMINED GRANDPA GEORGINA'S PRECISE AGE. STUFFED HER WITH THE WONKA-VITE. AND WATCHED. AS ALL FOUR GRANDPARENTS. WERE NORMAL AGED. BUT STILL USELESS FUCKWADS.

UNTIL WONKA AND CO. RECEIVED AN EMAIL FROM THE WHITE HOUSE. SAYING "OH THANK GOD YOU SAVED US FROM THE VERMICIOUS KNIDS." AND INVITING THE TROUPE TO THE WHITE HOUSE. TO TALK WITH PRESIDENTS SHAGGY AND DOPE. SO THE FOUR GRANDPARENTS. ACTUALLY GOT UP. (EXCEPT OUR FRIEND GRANDPA JOE. HE HAD STAYED UP ALL THE TIME.) AND THEY PREPARED TO GO TO THE WHITE HOUSE.

BUT THEN. THE STORY HIT. THE END.

GOD DAMMIT. WHAT IS IT WITH THESE STORIES BEING CUT SHORT ALL THE TIME? I DON'T EVEN.

WHATEVER. I SUPPOSE I NEED TO DO THE DIRTY JOB. AND CREATE AN ENDING AGAIN. HERE GOES.

SO WONKA AND CO. WENT TO THE GODDAMN WHITEHOUSE. AND IT TURNED OUT. PRESIDENTS SHAGGY AND DOPE WERE KILLED. BY THIS DUDE. NAMED DAVE STRIDER. SO WONKA AND CO. CHASED DAVE STRIDER. ONLY TO FIND OUT. HE WAS KILLED BY THE CONDESCE.

SO WONKA AND CO. CHASED THE CONDESCE. ONLY TO FIND OUT. THAT SHE WAS NIGH INVINCIBLE. WITH THE POWERS OF ALL THE TROLLS STOLEN. SO THEIR OTHER TACTIC. WAS TO STUFF HER WITH WONKA-VITE. SO THAT HER AGE WOULD BE PULLED TO THE NEGATIVES.

BUT TURNS OUT. ONE PILL OF WONKA-VITE. REDUCES AGE BY ONLY TWENTY HUMAN SWEEPS. SO GRANDPA GEORGINA. IN HER FOURTH CENTURY. WAS EASILY TAKEN OUT. BUT THE CONDESCE. AT THE AGE OF MILLIONS OF YEARS. ATE WONKA-VITE LIKE CANDY. WITH HER BETTY CROCKER CAKES. AND DIDN'T GET ANY YOUNGER.

SO WONKA INSTEAD. STOLE ALL THE CONDESCE'S CAKE RECIPES. AND PRODUCED WONKA CANDY. ONLY TO BE MET. BY THEIR OLD FRIENDS. WHO MADE WONKA SHUT DOWN IN THE FIRST PLACE. YOU KNOW. SLUGWORTH?

SO SLUGWORTH. DOUBLESTOLE THE RECIPES. AND NOW THE CONDESCE. WAS AFTER SLUGWORTH. RATHER THAN WONKA. AND CHASED HIM. INTO THE SPACE HOTEL. WHICH THEN TOOK OFF OUT OF ORBIT. AND INTO SOME OTHER PLANET. SO WONKA AND CO. AND THE ENTIRE EARTH. FORGOT ABOUT THE CONDESCE. AND WONKA AND CHARLIE AND THE FAMILY. LIVED HAPPILY IN THE FACTORY.

THE END.

SAY. SHOULD I WRITE CLOSEUPS. TO THE PORTAL AND HALF-LIFE STORIES? I'M DEBATING. BUT THEY ARE MAKING MY STOMACH TURN. SO PLEASE RESPOND QUICKLY.


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